Building Support Systems

Definition of a Support System

“A group of people who are available to support one another emotionally, socially, and sometimes financially.”  *1

A Support System Is:

·         A resource pool –People, things, environment, and beliefs who you can draw from in moments of need, providing you with support.

·         Drawn on selectively – This requires skills in choosing the appropriate person or persons who are helpful to you in moments of need and are available to you emotionally.

·         To support me – Someone who is there to provide support and that you are able to ask for help from them.  

·         In moving in a direction of my choice - requires that I be able to distinguish my goals and the direction I need to go.   

Functions of Support Systems

Support systems can be used for several different purposes, depending on the situation confronting an individual they could consist of:

·         Re-establishing Competence: Particularly in times of high stress or major transitions, we may find ourselves functioning at a very low level of competence. This may be because of anxiety, the energy it takes to cope with a crisis, physical and emotional difficulties, or overload of demands on us by other people. A good support system can help us cope and return to our previous level of functioning.

·         Maintaining High Performance: It can be equally important to have access to resourceful people when one is doing well in order to maintain that level of activity. Although it may be easier to use assistance when performing at a high level, many people tend to neglect their support systems at such times, finding it mare difficult to ask for help.

·         Gaining New Competencies: A somewhat different function of support systems is to assist in developing new skills. What are needed here are persons who can challenge, serve as teachers and models and provide emotional support during periods when one may be feeling awkward or inept in dealing with new situations.

·         Achieving Specific Objectives: Many of the objectives we strive for cannot be met without collaboration with and contributions from a number of persons. This often requires people who have skills and resources we do not have or that we do not desire to develop.

These functions of support systems are focused primarily on the individual. They often can help an individual contribute to organization goals and objectives, but it is equally important that support systems be used when individuals find themselves in conflict or opposition to the directions of other people, groups and organizations. They should function in such a way as to maintain and develop the integrity of the individual, which may include changing the organization, creating conflict or leaving a particular setting.

Support systems are patricianly helpful in coping with the stress that accompanies transitions in relationships, roles and positions, or careers. Skills in establishing new support systems are essential for successful transitions into new environments.

Different Types of Support System Members

Support system members can function in a number of different ways. Some people fill a variety of roles, while others may offer only a single type of support. The following list illustrates some of the different functions of support system members:

·         Role Models – People who can help define goals for positions one might assume in the future. Role models not only show what is possible but also are a source of valuable information about the opportunities and problems associated with a given role.

 

·         Common interests – People who share common interests or concerns can be especially important in keeping one motivated, and in sorting out those problems that are primarily those of the individual room problems imposed by the larger system and require collective activity to bring about change in that system.

·         Close Friends – People who help provide nurturance and caring, who enjoy some of the same interests, and who keep one from becoming isolated and alienated.

·         Helpers – People who can be depended upon in a crisis to provide assistance. These people are often experts in solving particular kinds of problems and may not be the type with whom one would choose to have a close personal relationship.

·         Respect Competence – People who respect the skills one has already developed and who value the contributions that one makes in a given situation. They are particularly helpful during times of transition when one may be feeling unsure of oneself in developing new skills.

·         Referral agent –People who can connect one with resources in the environment through their knowledge of people and organizations. They can refer one to those places where one can obtain needed assistance.

·         Challengers – People who can help motivate one to explore new ways of doing things, develop new skills, and work toward the development of latent capabilities. They often are people whom one may not care for as personal friends, but who are demanding of us.

Some Principles in Using Support Systems

·         Caution – Know who your supports are and gain a trust and rapport with them.

·         Maintenance – It is wise to keep relationships current and up-to-date so that when you need to draw on people, they are informed and appreciative of your need for their assistance.

 

·         Equality – It is important the relationship be one in which both sides feel there is a fair arrangement, whether it be accomplished by returning help, payment of money, join sense of accomplishments, or whatever else makes sense. Guilt can easily build up when there is a sense of indebtedness hat cannot be repaid.

·         External Support Base – the primary base of support for being competent should be to the system in which one is using one’s skills. This will enable a person in conflict when it becomes necessary. Leaning on people inside the system in which one is trying to be competent often leads to a sense of dependency. (Paradoxically, when one is seen as having an external support group, it is more likely that people inside the system will also turn out to be supportive.)

·         Back-up Resources – It is wise to have several places one can turn to for particular kinds of support to reduce the sense of vulnerability one feels should an individual be unavailable or unwilling to help in a given circumstance.

·         Feedback – It is important that feedback be given both ways to check on how each person feels about the process of giving or receiving assistance. Helping often creates resistance and/or resentment and unless there is a means of keeping track of the process, the relationship is likely to erode over time.

Building a Support System

“Abusers often try to isolate their partners from others to maximize their control. They often try to make you believe that you are to blame, and that you are a bad person. It is important to talk to others to get reality checks and to be reminded that you are not a bad person, this also helps you to regain personal trust of yourself. Think of your support system as the network of people you can rely on for friendship, support, information, and services. Your support system can include close friends and family as well as professionals who provide counseling, legal services, medical care etc. Reach out to several people who are inclined to be accepting and supportive. Your local domestic violence organization can be an important part of your support network. Reach out and accept the help that is offered.

Many survivors must build or rebuild their entire support network; this can feel overwhelming. It might be helpful to break it down into steps and ask yourself this series of questions:

For Today:

          What family members am I close to right now?

·         What friends am I in touch with right now?

·         What medical, wellness, or mental health professionals do I have in my life now?

·         What other support do I have in my life right now? (This may include a faith-based community, support group, 12-step group, club or activity.)
 

For the Future:

·         What family members would I like to be close with?

·         What friends would I like to be in touch with?

·         What professionals would I like to have?

·         What other types of support would I like to develop?

As you are building a support network, you will be gaining the perspective of others and broadening your own perspective about your situation.” *2

List of Characteristics of A Support Person:

1.      The ability to listen for the duration of your need to ventilate or communicate something without changing the focus onto themselves.

2.      The ability to then share regarding the given topic from their own personal history and/or perspective.

3.      The ability to voice at the start if they are unable or unwilling, for whatever reason, to give you the time that you need.

4.      The ability to inform you if the content of the conversation is harming them. This shows you that they are taking care of themselves and frees you from that responsibility.

5.      The ability to share what is bothering them AFTER you have finished. Not changing the focus of the conversation from you (if you initiated contact) until it was completed.

6.      The ability to comprehend what you are saying. Even if they don't fully comprehend, are they at least trying to understand what you are saying or feeling?

7.      The ability to repeat to you what you are saying to help you clarify your comprehension and communication abilities.

8.      The ability to respect your right to refuse their venting on you if you are unable to cope with it.

9.      The ability to respect your privacy in regards to your property, body and mind.

10.  The ability to not violate your space, body or mind. This incorporates not touching unless gaining your permission, not telling you what you should do or how you should feel, or that what you are saying, doing or feeling is wrong in any way. It also incorporates not trying to make you adopt their point of view.

11.  The ability to encourage you to choose of your own free will what to do and to help you explore and discover the various choices available to you, even the negative ones. Not trying to fix things for you or run your life for you.

12.  The ability to accept and encourage your participation in activities without them and with other people.

13.  The ability to accept not being told everything and not being your only support person.

List the people that are in your life:

Place their names and the type of relationship that you have with them:

List of People I have a current relationship with:

1) My spouse _______________________________

2) Son or daughter _______________________________

3) Parent _______________________________

4) Boss _______________________________

5) Co-workers _______________________________

6) Therapist _______________________________

7) Friend _______________________________

8) Roommate _______________________________

ADD YOUR OWN HERE _______________________________

Go back through the list you just made and beside each name put the approximate number of times in a week that you seek out each individual for support and, if possible, the amount of time that you spend each time with that person for support.

Now make a table to use for each individual on the list you have just made. The first column will correspond to the number by the character list. The second will be the name of an individual on your list above, the third is to rate them on the list of characteristics that you have made.

 

The Rating Scale From 1-10

1.      No ability

2.      Rare ability

3.      Occasional ability

4.      Moderate ability

5.      Average ability

6.      Good ability

7.      Strong but rarely consistent ability

8.      Strong but only moderate ability

9.      Strong and average consitent ability

10.  Strong and consistent ability

An example of a rating table:

Characteristic #   Persons Name     The rating    

    1                         spouse                       8              

    2                        children                     6              

    3                        boss                            3               

 List of Non-Human support:

Survivors can also find non-human modes of support

·         Pet - They will spend countless hours listening to you and keeping you company. Some offer security while others offer beauty.

·         Plants - You can derive similar amounts of joy and satifaction from having living, beautiful plants around you. Plants actively respond to human attention. Most of all, they are alive and in your environment.

·         Stuffed Pets - If pets are out of the question and you just can't get a plant to Animals grow (or even if you have both pets and plants) then stuffed animals are a terrific substitute. They listen and you can interact with them.

·         Change or put up pictures that you find comforting in the environment . (Paint or wallpaper  )

·         Hobby - Find a hobby or craft that you enjoy and can afford. Use what you or Craft  have done within your environment. Take pride in yourself and reap reap the benefits of all your work and talents.

References

 *1- https://www.google.ca/#output=search&sclient=psyb&q=define:+support+

system&oq=define:+support+system&gs_l

*2 - http://www.ntl.org/upload/Developing%20and%20Using%20Personal%20Support%20Systems.pdf

 

By  Michelle McCaugherty