Core Beliefs

Everyone is on a journey called life. As we all know there are bumps and hard work to keep moving forward. The meaning of life to me is that we are to use each day to grow and change. If you stop growing, changing, and healing you are no longer living life to the fullest. You become stagnant. The goal: To be better tomorrow then we are today. Every day is an opportunity to understand ourselves more. To be self aware and to own our responsibilities, and roles. It starts with a choice to live differently; the choice to examine who we are and who we want to be. A choice to challenge your beliefs, and values. A choice to grow and heal no matter what. If you are not ready to accept that your not perfect, that life's not perfect and accept your part in your life you can't move forward. Once you have decided to commit to your growth and change you need to choose to look at your core belief system.

Core Beliefs

We all have core beliefs deeply rooted within ourselves, usually our core belief systems are planted within us at a very early age by our parents and important people in our lives ex: teachers, priests. Core beliefs are the way in which we see the world, ourselves, others, our past, present, and future to be. In turn they lay the path to how you live your life. Like anything else there are positive, healthy beliefs, and there is negative, unhealthy beliefs. Depending on the events of your past, the environment they occurred within, and your perception and experience of the situation as a whole, determine whether they are negative or positive beliefs. Both affect the way you think and experience life in the present moment. Positive core belief: I can do anything I put my mind to, Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn. Negative core belief: I'm worthless, I'm unlovable. Identifying what the beliefs are that you ho;d can then open a door so that you can examine whether they are positive or negative, and this becomes awareness. Being aware of what your thinking, how it makes you feel and then how you act on in those emotions will be in  a positive or negative way. This allows you to start to choose to challenge these ways of thinking and choose to believe something different. This is one of those things that sounds easier then it is. This process takes time and determination as you will start to become aware of your behaviour and thinking after you have acted out. (screaming, yelling, avoiding.) And that's okay. This is totally normal, just be aware and then think about different ways it could have been. How you can you think, behave and act about this differently. Eventually as you keep doing this and becoming aware and challenging your thinking and behaviour you will be able to catch yourself half way through a trigger, then in the beginning, and then before it even happens and you get to choose to deal differently. Its when its still just a thought that you can choose to change the way you believe, behave, and the way you act it out. This is not and never is easy. It takes hard work and time so be patient and kind to yourself. There will be days that you feel discouraged and you can't see the changes and growth but trust me its happening through baby steps.Don't give up, it takes practice to retrain your thinking and responses. Through the years it took me to get here I kept journals and I read back through them sometimes and I find them interesting and helpful for me to remember how hard is was in the beginning of my healing journey and how it is for me now.
I am including some dates and entries from my journals to show you where I was and where I started to get to. And let me tell you it took me years to undo all that had been tainted inside of myself by others.

Sept. 15th, 2008 - I hope all the hard work I do towards personal growth and spiritual healing will rid me of such invasive thoughts, where I can bask in the peace and happiness I long to have.
Jan. 11, 2009 - I have become more aware of my thoughts that create old feelings.

The Freedom To Heal

Healing the wounds of the past i something you need to be ready to do. You need to choose to work with and through the pain of you experiences. We all have a history made up of events that have affected us in one way or another. There will be many people who don't understand you, who can't know what it means to start, and go through the healing process. It will be important that you surround yourself with positive healthy supports. You will need to be open to challenging your thinking, values and beliefs. Many of these things have been conditioned in your mind from long ago. Once your ready and you've made your choice the freedom becomes yours to heal.

My Journey

To The Staff Who Helped Me Heal,

Many years ago I entered a Day Program. My life felt exhausting, hopeless, painful and full of anxiety and rage. I had tried to get help through traditional one-on-one counselling, but nobody could help me stop the nightmares, flashbacks, and the long list of intensely overwhelming emotions that I had little control over. Not only was I lacking emotional control, but my whole life was just a mess of chaos and drama. I felt like my life was just a daily dose of crazy upon wakening in the morning. This made me feel worthless, broken, ashamed and angry. The anger was uncontrollable and aggressive. It covered how vulnerable and scared I was all of the time. I never felt loved, understood, or supported; a lone wolf fighting through life just surviving day by day. Truly all I wanted was to feel safe, secure, nurtured and loved, and I didn’t believe I deserved any of that. I felt useless, and filled with pain. My relationships were affected by my toxic behaviours that I acted out. I was reactive to even the smallest of situations. My thinking was all or nothing, black or white; I couldn’t see any grey areas that lay between. Everything that happened to me was not something I ever had a choice about. Bad chaotic things just happened to me all of the time. When really I was sabotaging myself without even realizing that was what I was doing it. I had no choice in the matter, I just got dealt a bad hand in porker, and some people are just unlucky like me.

I finally hit my bottom or last strike so to speak. I had what I call an emotional break, it was PTSD, I was relieved that I wasn’t losing my mind there was a reason I felt so crazy inside, and that meant I could be fixed! For years I just thought, “This is who I am, I was born this way. I have no choice but to be this way” Because I now knew I could be fixed two weeks before the program started I started to think, “I don’t need to go I can do this myself.” I was going to cancel my spot. In that moment I made a promise to myself a commitment to my healing journey. "No matter what is said to me, how it makes me feel, I will trust that the women, (who at that time ran the program) no matter what, I can’t trust my instinct to run and avoid." I believed that they were my last chance at having the type of life that I believed was normal for me. I swallowed my fears and started the program two weeks later.

I chose to stay at the program for what I think was 3 or 4 semesters working on me. My therapy became my full time job as it was exhaustingly hard work. I was determined to heal and start living my life. The staff would challenge me when I couldn’t challenge myself, encouraging, and supporting me through my process. There were times when I would be angry and defensive because of being pushed and transference that I was experiencing. I kept my promise and would go home to reflect and work through my reactions by using worksheets from the program. I often would find that the staff had a point, or that what was said was worth thinking about or questioning about myself. It was hard work to learn to utilize the new tools and coping skills I had been taught. It got easier and I did start to see differences in my relationships, how I coped with stress and crisis, even in my emotion regulation. I became more mindful and self aware, this helped me with my flashbacks, anxiety, nightmares, even getting to sleep.

There came a moment when I shared during a group that I became aware of how much I had grown in my time at the centre and that that staff couldn’t do anything more for me. I accomplished what I went to the program for. The time had come for me to move forward to the next chapter of my new life, where I could continue to use the skills and tools I had learned and master them. Years have gone by since I left the Program, and I have continued to use all that I learned from my time with the great team at the centre. I have kept journals from then until now and go back through the pages of my past and I can see how far I have come from the dark hopeless place where I had begun. I have found peace in my life and I am more content then I have ever been in my past 34 years. I truly believe that this program was my saving grace. For without it I know I would have self destructed. I want to truly from the depths of my heart and soul thank each and every person who helped make this life possible. For helping me find my way back to the present. I will always have PTSD and there are still days where I have anxiety, sadness, anger, and that’s ok with me. I know we can never get rid of our past experiences and feelings, that is our history. But I can say, you can get better at coping with the past and moving forward.

I will forever be grateful for the extraordinary women who in the beginning put up with me acting out and being an emotional mess as I tried to heal my inner child. You all gave me the gift of a second chance. A chance to heal, grow, change and become the person I was always meant to be, but had lost along the way in amongst the pain of the past. You provided me a safe environment so that I could flourish and grow. I hope you get to know how important you were in my healing process; you all are truly special people.

I have just graduated from college with honors from the Community Service Worker program so that I can pay forward what I received from you. This is just the beginning of all that there is to accomplish in the world.

Sincerely Grateful,

Michelle 

Strength

When a butterfly is emerging from its cocoon it struggles. The more it struggles the stronger it becomes. If someone were to help the butterfly to free itself it would not become strong and it would die. The moral: The harder the struggle the stronger you become. (Unknown)

100 Ways to Nurture Yourself

“Probably the most important component to healing is learning to take excellent care of yourself – mind, body, and spirit. Think of caring for yourself as if you were your own child – giving to yourself at least as much as you give to others. You are worth it!

Like joy itself, self-nurturing comes in many little bits. Here are 100 of those bits for your consideration. This is not a checklist – only a list of suggestions. Please take the ones that speak to you and ignore the rest. Enjoy!

1. Put a post-it on your mirror that says, “You look beautiful!” – and then accept the compliment every time you look at yourself.
2. Buy fresh flowers every now and then. – Brighten up the place.
3. Used colored pens for no particular reason. – Blue and black are fine, but how about orange?
4. Take a walk without a destination. – It’s a great way to get some exercise and clear your mind. Be mindful of what you see, hear and feel.
5. Take a hot bath. – With bubbles.
6. Write in a journal. – Write anything that calls you. Ideas, experiences, dreams, frustrations – get them out of your head and down on paper.
7. List the things that you’re grateful for. – You can’t help but feel better when you literally count your blessings.
8. List the things that you like about yourself. – We can all list the things that we don’t like about ourselves. Turn that around and think about your many positive qualities.
9. Create something. – Many of us have gotten away from actually making things. Create some artwork. Write something. Build something. Make something that didn’t exist before. It can be functional or frivolous – as long as you enjoy the process.
10. Treat yourself. – We struggle to be disciplined, especially with money and food. You deserve a reward, right?
11. Smile. – It’s very difficult to feel bad when your face is happy.
12. Squash negative thoughts. – Listen to what’s going on in your head and actively quiet the voices of pessimists and critics. Assume the best, not the worst.
13. Try something new. – Go out on a limb. Learn something new. Do that thing you’ve always wanted to try. The more experiences you have, the richer your life will be.
14. Get enough sleep. – Everything is hard when you’re tired.
15. Meditate. – It takes a little practice at first, but if you find a meditation that works for you, you will be calmer and more peaceful.
16. Drink plenty of water. – It’s basic, but it’s so good for you.
17. Stretch. – Before you start your day, take a few minutes for a good muscle stretch. It just plain feels good. And, it’s fast, easy and free.
18. Put some “me time” on your calendar. – When life gets busy, doing things for yourself is the first thing to be sacrificed. So, actually block out time on your calendar. Call it a ‘staff meeting’ or something so that no one intrudes on your time.
19. Call a friend. – Think of someone who you enjoy and ring them up!
20. Ask for help. – This can be hard. But it’s so important to recognize when you need a sounding board, or some advice, or an extra pair of hands.
21. Say no. – Your time is valuable. Set boundaries to avoid becoming overwhelmed.
22. Ask for a hug. – We all need one. So just go get one. The person you ask probably needs one too.
23. Delegate. – Hire someone to mow the lawn or scrub the floors. Teach the kids to do laundry. Give that project to a co-worker. You do not have to do it all.
24. Take a deep breath. – And another. Now another. It’s like a mini-break to reset yourself during the day.
25. Light a candle or use a reed diffuser. – Your sense of smell creates the strongest memories. Find scents you love and enjoy them.
26. Claim some space for yourself. – A place where you can go to have a quiet moment to read a book, or meditate, or cry – somewhere that you can get some peace and privacy.
27. Get out into nature. – Reconnecting with the earth is just good for your soul. Feel the breeze. Breathe the fresh air. So good!
28. Buy the good ice cream. – Even on the tightest of budgets, this is important.
29. Use lotions & soaps with scents that you love. – It’s a nice way to pamper yourself, plus you’ll smell good all day.
30. Give a compliment. – Telling someone that they had a fantastic idea or that they look beautiful in that color creates a pleasant environment and makes two people feel good for the price of one.
31. Listen to music. – Listen to whatever makes you happy. Can you be grumpy while listening to Gloria Gaynor? I think not.
32. Play. – Something we forget as adults. Board games, a sport, finger painting – find something frivolous and have fun!
33. Eat foods that you love. – Low fat, low calorie, low carb – blah, blah, blah. Food is to be enjoyed! Put food into your body that nourishes you in every way.
34. Be silly every now and again. – We take ourselves entirely too seriously. Let go. Be spontaneous and outrageous!
35. Laugh. – Sometimes you just need a good laugh to lift your spirits.
36. Limit screen time. – Too much time in front of computers, TV’s, video games, and blackberries (or all of the above) disconnects you from the world immediately around you and makes your brain mushy. Make sure that you’re getting plenty of input from the non-virtual world.
37. Be present. – Be deliberate about experiencing what’s happening right now. It’s all about the journey – don’t miss yours!
38. Stop worrying. – It’s going to be fine. Because it is.
39. Trust yourself. – You are smart, capable and talented. Your choices are just as valid as anyone else’s. Don’t second guess yourself.
40. Do something that’s only for you. – Remember that hobby that you used to have time for? Or that food that no one else in your house likes? Reclaim it.
41. Make sure your health is in order. – What’s more important than your health? See your doctor regularly. Make sure you are getting the vitamins or supplements that you need. Advocate for yourself as you would for your child.
42. Give to someone in need. – Donating your time or your stuff or your money to someone less fortunate makes you feel good and puts your problems into perspective.
43. Sparkle! – Feeling slumpy? Get all dolled up. Wear something fancy. It’s a good way to find your strut.
44. Dance. – It’s inherently joyful. You can’t be sad if you’re dancing!
45. Write your own rock star introduction. – Image you’re on tour with thousands of screaming fans. How will you be introduced? “Please welcome the brilliant, the amazing, the gorgeous….you!”
46. Stand up for yourself. – Your needs are important. Don’t let anyone disregard them. Pushing back can be scary but it’s empowering too!
47. Celebrate! (for any reason at all) – Your kid learned to tie his shoes! Your taxes are done and filed! The week is more than half over! Let’s party!
48. Find a mantra or an affirmation that lifts your spirits. – “Today is a new day.” “I know that life always supports me.” “I get everything that I want.” Find one that works for you.
49. Stand tall. – Your spirit can’t soar when you slouch. You feel much more powerful when you stand up straight and look the world in the eye.
50. Have sex. – What can I say? It feels good.
51. Get a massage. – What can I say? It feels good.
52. Choose optimism. – Thinking positive thoughts has a tangible impact on your day and on your life.
53. Dream big. – You can do anything you set your mind to!
54. Tune out the naysayers. – People criticize for many reasons, most of which have nothing to do with you. Follow your heart – not everyone has to get it.
55. Add color to your surroundings. – Beiges and taupe’s are pervasive these days. Depressing. Make sure that you introduce energetic colors where you work and where you live.
56. Surround yourself with the things you love. – Photos of loved ones or mementos that bring happy memories. You should have the stuff that you love all around you.
57. Declutter. – You should have ONLY the stuff that you love. Purge everything in your life, both physical and emotional that you don’t honestly need, use or love. Everything else distracts you from your true intentions and bogs you down.
58. Stop procrastinating. – Procrastination is a form of perfectionism. Accept that it’s not going to be perfect and just get it over with. Image how great it will feel to not have it hanging over your head anymore!
59. Listen to your inner voice. – Your instincts are good. It’s important to listen to your own head and heart.
60. Cut yourself some slack. – Arguably the most important tip on this list. We hold ourselves to impossible standards and then beat ourselves up when we don’t meet them. Would you be this hard on anyone else?
61. Slow down. – When you’re living your life at top speed, you’re missing most of it. Stop and take a breath. Look for ways to adopt a more humane pace.
62. Identify your passion. – What do you love? Do you have a non-profit organization that you feel passionate about? Are you passionate about water polo? How about 14th century Portuguese literature? Find something in your life that really floats your boat.
63. Toot your own horn. – You’re awesome. Please make sure that everyone knows it.
64. Move your body. – Run and jump and climb a tree. Take a tap dancing class. Power walk. Anything that feels good that gets your blood moving. The only limitation: it has to be fun. Don’t get on a treadmill if you hate the treadmill.
65. Invest in really good bras. – This one is gender-specific, obviously. You feel much better about yourself when you’re hoisted up properly. So stand tall and salute the sun ladies!
66. Purge things that aren’t good for you. – Unhealthy foods, cigarettes, a miserable work environment, toxic people – do what you have to do to set boundaries and demand the highest quality of life. You deserve it. Things that don’t nourish and support you – think about how you might be rid of them.
67. Limit your news consumption. – It’s important to be well-informed, but the non-stop feed of earthquakes and plane crashes and economic crisis and war is not good for us. Be deliberate in finding a balance that’s best for you. Once you’ve seen today’s news cycle, turn it off.
68. Say yes to life. – Opportunities are everywhere. Take a class, join a team, go bungee jumping. When new things present themselves to you – jump at the chance.
69. Stop hating your body. – If the women of the world took all of the time, energy and money that we spend on hating our bodies and turned it towards something productive, there would be no war, poverty or disease left on the planet. Your body is your body. Nobody’s looking at your physical flaws because they’re all too busy trying to hide their own. Let’s give ourselves a break and let it go.
70. Sing loudly. – In the shower and the car and anywhere else you like. With reckless abandon.
71. Be kind. – Be nice to someone else. You will have made the world a better place. What feels better than that?
72. Tell someone you love them. – We often forget to say it out loud. It matters.
73. Take all of your vacation days. – You earned them. Don’t give them back to your company for nothing.
74. Play hooky. – Call in sick once in awhile when you’re not sick. Use the day to pamper yourself (not to catch up on errands or housework).
75. Take pride in the hard times that you have overcome. – What didn’t kill you made you stronger. It wasn’t easy, but you did it!
76. Let someone else be in charge for a while. – Other people can be responsible while you do something for yourself.
77. Don’t answer the phone unless it’s someone you want to talk to right now. – Some people find it difficult not to answer a ringing phone, but it’s liberating once you learn to ignore it or even better, just turn it off.
78. Have faith. – It’s going to work out. The future is bright!
79. Take a personal inventory. – Does your behavior match your true intentions? If there’s a disconnection, you’re carrying a heavy weight.
80. Go on a retreat. – For a couple of minutes or a couple of days, get away for a bit to re-energize.
81. Put your finances in order. – Money problems are enormously stressful. Paying off debt where possible, putting bills on automatic payment, and working with a financial planner if necessary can all help to ease the strain.
82. Eliminate all expectations of perfection. – In fact, eliminate the word ‘perfect’ from your vocabulary. If you expect yourself to be perfect, you will never stop beating yourself up.
83. Find a good way to blow off steam. – Bottling it up indefinitely will probably end badly.
84. Be who you are. – your authentic, true self.
85. Spend some time alone for quiet reflection. – We spend all of our time go, go, going. Try stopping to think about your life, your goals, and your dreams.
86. Keep your words positive. – Happiness and complaints cannot coexist.
87. Let light and fresh air into your house. – Sunlight is a must. Open up those windows!
88. Turn off your e-mail, cell phone, blackberry, fax, etc. for a while. – It’s not healthy to be accessible 24/7.
89. Pare down your to-do list. – Feeling overwhelmed? What’s on your list that can be delegated, avoided, or jettisoned?
90. Avoid boredom. – Keep your brain active to keep the blues at bay.
91. Make your home a haven. – Your home should be a place where you can take a breath and really relax. If it isn’t, you may have some work to do.
92. Be stingy with your time and energy. – Both are precious and should be spent on things that really matter to you.
93. Let go. – 80% of everything is irrelevant. Focus on the other 20.
94. Minimize multi-tasking. – Yeah, women are supposed to be good at it, but that doesn’t make it good for us.
95. Break your routine once in awhile. – Get out of a rut and into a groove.
96. Take action! – If something isn’t right in your life, fix it!
97. Plan ahead. – With a few minutes of organizing your time and to-do’s, you will be better prepared to take on the day.
98. Intentionally enjoy your journey. – As you go through your days, look around. Be present with what you see, hear and feel. You might be amazed at what you’ve been missing.

99.  Spend time with people who make you happy. – Who nourishes and supports you? Surround yourself with those people.

100.  Enjoy your kids. – It’s easy to rush through the day without really connecting with them. Make                  a conscious effort to talk with them about their day.

And A Couple Extra:

1.      Avoid self-deprivation. – When it comes to food, it’s OK to cut back on things that aren’t good for you (sweet, sweet carbohydrates), but if you feel deprived, it’s probably not maintainable, creating a vicious circle of cheating and guilt.

2.      Forget the word “should”. – Instead of doing what you think you’re supposed to, follow your own path.

3.      Pay attention to your energy. – Are you most productive first thing in the morning? Are you sluggish after lunch? Honor your natural cycles and plan accordingly.”*http://demandingjoy.com/?p=1024

Why Nurture Yourself?

It’s important to take care of yourself through your healing journey. If you aren't taking time to provide yourself with self care you risk suffering from emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental exhaustion. If you become exhausted you are unable to continue on your journey you become stuck in a dark place, where healing can’t continue. It is important to think of your healing self as a little girl. Would you tell a little girl she wasn't worth love, compassion, patience and care? Treat yourself as you would a young child.

Physical self-care is an area that people often overlook

• Food
• Sleep
• Exercise
• Medical Care
• Personal Hygiene 

Emotional self-care will mean different things for different people. It might mean:

• Counselling
• Support Groups
• Keeping a Journal
• Meditation or relaxation exercise

Emotional self-care can also involve the people around you. It’s important to make sure that the people in your life are supportive.

Nature can help to self sooth

Letter of Encouragement

Dear Friend,

You are brave to face your emotional pain and the path that has lead you to this moment in your life. You are no longer a victim, you are a survivor. A survivor who is healing day by day. On a healing journey there will be hard days. During those hard days I hope that this letter brings you hope, comfort, and encouragement to stay strong and pull through. I know there are days when you don't feel like a survivor. Days when the memories and triggers from past abuse comes crashing in, and it feels too hard to take even one more breath - but you take that breath anyway. You are strong. You are a brave warrior.
I want you to know that the pain that you have had to bare was not your fault. It doesn’t matter how old you were the shame does not belong to you, it was placed upon you and you never deserved any of it. In your life you have had to face many burdens, and they can leave you lonely, isolated and afraid. Through that fear remember you truly aren’t alone. You have many survivors who would and do stand up for you. You are important in your life, and there is much beauty to see, and you are beautiful inside and out. You have seen the darkness but there is light, always seek it out, and never give up. Every time you can hear the past voices telling you that you are crazy, worthless and just an object. Hear me telling you that those were only lies they told you. You are worth much, for inside you is greatness. I know that there are times you find yourself believing those lies even repeating them to yourself. I encourage you to challenge this and look at your reflection in the mirror; See yourself, and tell yourself that you are important, beautiful, and purely amazing for all that you are; You are special and unique and that is empowering because you are the only you, there is no one like you, and you are precious. In this world you deserve to be loved and treated with dignity and respect. You have a right to have your voice heard, as you have many things to say. The truth is.....you deserve peace, grace, and joy in your life. Believe in yourself you will make it through, for you are a star and you get to choose how you will shine and where to spread your brightness. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past. Your life has purpose and hope. Healing is never easy and I know you have felt held down but now you are free to fly. You are a courageous woman/man who I know will do incredible things as you are right now just by being you. There will be times where the tears fall and you feel exhausted, be gentle with yourself for healing is hard work and you need rest and remember to be kind to your spirit and don’t rush your process. Everyone’s journey is unique, and your journey is your own. You are doing your work and I am so proud of you. You are doing a great job even on days it doesn’t feel like it. Each step you take is a precious. You are loved, You are special, and You are Strong, You are a survivor.

Your Friend,

Michelle